(An old diary entry)
I am plagued by bad dreams. Most days I wake up exhausted from bad dreams, that leave a lingering bad taste in my mouth and no matter how many times I brush my teeth it stays not letting me forget.
Everything I loved is gone. The people, the hopes and dreams and I am left trying to make sense of it all, failing repeatedly. I am exhausted by the effort of dragging myself around, a body which feels like lead. I am out of breath sitting down.
I have something planned for every minute of every day. The second I sit down with myself I seem to drown, in what I dont know. So I keep busy.
Yesterday I took a fiction writing course and we read a story Wants by Grace Paley. Everyone was supposed to comment on it and their favourite part. And it was amazing how people processed things so quickly, it takes me atleast half an hour of reading and rereading and mulling over it to figure out I feel, it made me feel slow in a feelings sort of way of how out of touch I am with mine. The short story was wonderful in a terrible sort of way. It left a lingering taste in my mouth, like the dreams. A feeling that refuses to make sense or go away. Like a song you cant remember so it stays like a tick.
We are supposed to write a 5000 word fiction piece and submit it for group workshop. Im not sure how I will do that. I dont think I can. Ive never written fiction before, too narcissistic to get out of my own head and life. In the story Paley referred to war maybe twice but it stood out to me the most. And I wonder why that is.
— -has been gone so long, yet I feel his presence so strongly. Will there be a day I wont cry for or mourn him or us. And will those days be better or worse than the ones on which I do.