Seasick

Sleep evades me. Whirlwind of thoughts, thrashing against each other. Heavy pounding head. How many days now without a call? Ive lost count. And I only have myself to blame. How many times will the faith in anothers humanity and love be stronger than my instinct for self perservation? My therapist was right i indulge in self abuse. Put my self in situations where I will be neglected, misunderstood, lonely because deep down I fear vulnerability, being seen. Because am I really worthy of love? And what the fuck is love? Would I know it if it ever hit me smack in the face? I went through the cycle of waiting, hoping, anger, deluding, hurt, then distraction, then anger again then hurt, then hope, stubborn hope. Of what God knows, a call? an apology, an explanation? Oh how those we love bind us. There is no worse slavery, no worse form of torture. No chains heavier than these. Yet why dont I pick myself, why not my sanity, my self respect, my heart, why do I repeatedly fail to protect it? How much more hurt will satiate the masochist in me? I feel as If I am in a ship lost at sea and there is a storm raging, I feel sea sick. Nauseous, dizzy, unstable. Like one is when one loses ones centre. As if gravity has suddenly shifted and it pulls me in all directions at once and then repels me. A call. How much ego must one have to be so miserly about a call? For one you claim to love. How much longer till I forgive myself, till I let go. Let go of this burden that is so heavy, a love that is so cruel, so miserly, so vain, so unkind, so cumbersome and all consuming. A love that is only lack. How many times have I let it go? For it to come back only for the same cycle to repeat it self. A rat in a cycle. A rat. I feel no stronger or better than a rat, overcome and driven entirely by trauma memory, an instinct and impulse so strong it overrides my faculty of reason, logical thinking, all wisdom, all understanding and awareness and helpless before it. The longer this goes on, the more I am starting to feel as if it will soon be a choice between death and life. I may continue to throw myself down this path over and over, but every time my will is weaker, my heart heavier, my pain more searing. My anxiety worse and worse. No will to work, socialize or do anything. Threw myself into work and exhausted myself now cant seem to cant move. Functional freeze. Loss of balance. Head is heavier than the rest of my body and it feels as if it will drop any minute. How many articles remain unfinished. How many reports, meetings God knows what fuck all. Tried going for a walk, tried listening to some bullshit sleep frequency hypnotising videos, putting my phone aside. Cant sleep till early hours of the morning and lost count since when. Sick of this bullshit. This lack, this deprivation, this incapacitating deprivation.