Unsent Letter

Im sorry I havent written or called in so long, havent replied to any of your messages, its just that im so sad, have been for so long that I dont know if I could bear someone seeing it. Floating through people who dont know me I feel protected, safe in the knowledge that they are unable to see my hurt. Working aggressively helps support my delusions that I can make a better world a better life, yet in moments when im by myself I feel so weak and scared and trapped by this life this existence of being a woman born into my family, a past that refuses to let go, a future life and partner that I have no say in, these structures of oppression which are so strong and powerful, my feeble attempts at resistance seem like a joke to me too, make me laugh at myself at the insanity of the courage I sometimes muster. My bones are tired my heart is tired my soul is tired. I feel so alone and so helpless it terrifies me to admit it to myself. Every time I try to make a future with someone, it bails on me, every time I think this is it. It isnt. One cant make a future alone. When you break apart from a whole social structure you need another to help you get by. There was something in his eyes that made me feel safe with him, like he would never leave, but he did. I know you can never beg, force or convince anyone to choose you. They either do or they dont. But for me even those who do always change their mind. I am beggining to feel like I will never find anyone who will love me enough to want to make a future together or get through life together. I wish you were here and I could lean on you. There is noone to lean on. We must suffer through this hell alone. If only there was somebody.

I miss you so much you have no idea, theres not a day that goes by without me thinking of you. I love you so much even though I feel I dont deserve to be able to say that anymore. Ive wanted to ask you a million things about your new job and city and life in general. What are you reading, what are you thinking, how do you spend your days? How are your mornings? How are the sunsets there? What does the mud smell like? Which trees are around you? What birds chirp on them? Who makes your food? What do you eat? Who do you have shaam ki chai with? Do you think of me still?
I hate to burden you with the same problems ive had for the past million years Im so scared youre going to get sick of me and hate me. I hope youre ok I hope youre really happy and safe and kind and generous and loving and understanding like youve always been. Please pray for me a lot and forgive me for being a terrible friend. I have no energy anymore. I am spent and wasted. I dont think there is hope for happiness in my life. I must either choose to end it. Or suffer. I hope I find the courage to do the former. I wonder if I will.